Interview: Tianna Bartoletta, Gold Medalist, Olympian and Author of "Survive & Advance"

Amira Rose Davis interviews Tianna Bartoletta, track and field Olympian, gold medalist and author of the memoir "Survive & Advance." They talk about Tianna's writing process, the experiences that have impacted her life and career, this year's Olympic trials and how she's wrestling with the 2020/21 Tokyo Olympics.

This episode was produced by Tressa Versteeg. Shelby Weldon is our social media and website specialist. Burn It All Down is part of the Blue Wire podcast network.

Transcript

Amira: Hey, flamethrowers. Last year, I had a really dope conversation with Tianna Bartoletta about the work that she was doing as a yogi and in organizing track and field athletes around the world. I have no idea where time has gone. I don't know how it's already been a year. But it has been a busy year for my girl, and so I'm so thrilled to be back in touch with Tianna because, in addition to her three gold medals and her multi time being an Olympian and gearing up for the track trials, she still has found time to write and drop a memoir that will be coming out today, June 8th, called Survive & Advance. So, Tianna, welcome back to Burn It All Down.

Tianna: I'm so excited to be back. I want to be a regular guest, honestly. [laughs]

Amira: Oh, let's make that happen. Absolutely. So first and foremost, I'm writing a book right now. I don't know how, because writing in a pandemic has not been cute at all, and writing is hard in general. But I was so thrilled, not only to see that your memoir was dropping, but the title Survive & Advance is like, yes. I know for me, thinking about resilience and perseverance, that is absolutely a mantra. And I know that that applies so much to your life, and I want to know everything you want to tell us about the memoir, about what it's like to have written your story, you know, and the power behind that. So yeah. What can you tell us about Survive & Advance? 

Tianna: Oh my goodness. You have never lied about what writing in a pandemic is like, because I'm the one hand you're like, “I have all this time. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not doing anything else.” But there was like a base level of anxiety and like just, you know, tension we were all operating under that really, really serves the stunt creativity. I swear. And so like, even though you have the free time, it's like you don't have the bandwidth. I know that at one point I was like, you know what, I'm going to Mexico. I'm going to go on a writing vacation at pandemic rates on Delta airlines because they were the one that was most responsible and I was most comfortable with at the time. So, I go to Nobu in Cabo, and I'm like one of 14 people on the resort. So it's like, perfect. And I have all these ideas, like, I'm going to get up at 8. I'm going to have breakfast on the ocean. Then I'm going to write from like 10 to 4. I was there for four days. I didn't start writing until day four, about two hours before I was supposed to go to the airport. [laughs]

Amira: Girl. Can I tell you…That story has made my entire life, because everybody knows I booked a one week thing down at Hilton Head and my daughter was in homeschool, you know, I drove her down. I was like, I just need sun and sand and to look at water, and I’ll write so much. Pshh. I was there for what, six days? And I did a lot of thinking, don't get me wrong. I also slept and I woke up after sleeping, like, this is part of the writing process, my body needs to rejuvenate, all of this stuff. And then I hit my stride when I had to check out like 12 hours later. And I was like, why, why does this happen?

Tianna: But that’s part of it, like, your body needs what it needs, and we do so much ignoring of those signs. But I started writing this book in 2015. I have always been a writer, from before I ever became an athlete I was a writer. I knew that I wanted to write my life story, and most people were like, oh, you're too young to talk about writing a life story. And I'm like, no, trust me. I have already been through enough to fill a book. Maybe I'll have to come back in another decade and write a part two, but there's enough here for the first trip. Believe me. But my first version was a lie, honestly, because I was still married and I couldn't and wouldn't speak openly about what that experience was like. And so reading it would have been like, oh, this is cute. This is a nice, inspirational story. But I would have known that it wasn't authentic, and it would have definitely done me and any other person who read it a disservice, honestly.

So when I finally left that marriage and started rebuilding my life, I returned to that manuscript and basically I didn't trash all of it, but a lot of it had to go and started the rewrite in 2017. And so I got like 65,000 words in and was like, I really want to level up my writing abilities. So, I took a writing class at Berkeley through their extension program and then signed the book deal with a boutique publishing company, basically, that specializes in telling Olympian stories. So, it was a very safe kind of incubator for me to deliver this story to the world. But I was in class at the same time. So, I returned to the manuscript again, and I was like, oh, this is trash. [laughter] This is not good! So, I signed the book deal and they were like, you're already 65,000 words in. We can publish it this year, you're basically done. And I was like, yeah! And then I was like, oh no, I have to rewrite it. So I began rewriting it again last year. 

This is the version that I am proud of. It is the most uncomfortable, the most vulnerable, but like, it is absolutely real. There are stories in it that I'm not proud of, and I think it's important to include those too because we all have been there. I think that I hold this privileged position to have been successful and to have this seat where people might pay more attention to my story than they would maybe someone else, even though that's not fair, we all have stories that deserve to be heard and listened to. And that's why the responsibility to be open is so important to me because it's like, if I'm going to have this platform, if I'm going to tell it then I gotta tell it all. And that's basically what I did.

And now, the title of the book, it had always been since 2014 when I started dreaming this up, the title had always been “Gravity,” like, always. I was like, I'm going to call it Gravity. I'm a physics nerd, like, when I jump, when I take off in the long jump, I'm defying gravity. Sprinters use gravity to create the velocity. I was like, it's such a cool play on words. This is going to be great. And gravity also means like, you know, the weight of a situation – this is not a frou-frou light-hearted story. This is like some heavy stuff, right? So it was like, it's Gravity. So, February 8th was my deadline to turn in the manuscript to the publisher. I've finished what I thought was the last chapter at the time. Push save, and I promise you, the book said, yeah, so, my name is Survive & Advance. Like, it's cute that you thought it was Gravity, but that's not my name.

And the reason that it kind of came to me that way is because I had written the phrase “survive and advance” over and over and over within the memoir, just to describe, you know, my high school mindset of getting through the district meet and then just to get through the Olympic trials in 2012. And then again, in 2016, when I had the great fortune of meeting to compete in the hundred and the long jump at the same time. Survive and advance, on the track, is just what we do. And then memoir is just, you know, basically self-reflection and analysis of a life or a period of a life, and I realized I was doing the same thing off the track doing what I needed to do to survive and to put one foot in front of the others so that I could advance. It just made perfect sense. But I can't really take credit for that, like, the book did that for me. 

Amira: Yeah, and I love that. In many ways it's also just fitting for you to have finally gotten through the revision and the one you feel comfortable with, in a pandemic, which is…The story of the last year for so many of us has been “survive and advance,” like, get to the next day, even as the days blend together, right? That has been really a kind of very familiar feeling, a very familiar mantra. Now, there is so much that you said you want to draw out. You know, I love that you were like, no, I'm not waiting. Because I think that we do this thing with age and we do this thing with experience where we decide not only whose stories are worth telling, but when they're worth telling. And like you said, it changes. But one of the most fascinating things to me is like, if you read…Like, Jesse Owens wrote like four memoirs within an eight year period, right? These are snapshots of where you are, but it also is like, you're not super distant from a lot of these stories to be able to…You’re being able to tell them with a certain lens that will look different if you were to zoom out more.

But also what you're talking about in terms of revision speaks so loudly to me because one of the things that has always stuck with me about our earlier conversation when you were were talking about yoga, which is that like, yes, your profession, you're obviously an Olympian, but you are so much more beyond that. And I think part of being able to revise and revise yourself over and over as well is to continue to work on various aspects of yourself, and even as your craft as a writer that is usually kind of erased by the fact that you're an Olympian. And so, you know, I just think that you're doing such great work here.

The other thing is that it's exhausting too emotionally vulnerable like that. How have you navigated being so emotionally vulnerable in this work that you know is about to, you know, people are about to have their hands on, they're going to read these stories. What do you hope that that indicates to other athletes and other people who are thinking about their own mental health journeys?

Tianna: Yeah, I'm really pleased that it's become part of a more common, larger conversation. It's been easier to just be like, you know what, I'm not okay today. So, I'm gonna just bail out. It got really rough for while writing this story, you know, reliving traumatic situations and just stuff coming up that I didn't even realize in the moment because I was in it, but now I have enough distance to kind of process some things while still living in a country that was basically experiencing a racial reckoning, a lot of upheaval. The Derek Chauvin trial, there was so much, and all I could do, like you you talked about, was repeat my mantra, “Get to tomorrow,” like, get tomorrow, do the next right thing.

I have the pleasure of being on the council of social and racial justice with the USOPC, and it really turned into in the last couple of meetings just like me saying, “I need help.” Like, I need support. I can't educate everyone. I don't want to be the person journalists turn to immediately after we get a verdict and say, “What are your thoughts?” I'm aware that that just means I've done a good job communicating and being that voice for a lot of us, but damn. [laughs] 

Amira: It’s too much.

Tianna: And so I have learned how to unapologetically step back, and I think I've done it in a way where people may not have noticed that there was a withdrawal, but it was enough for me to kind of recharge. I really try to guard and protect my energy, and my mornings are very important to me for that reason. As long as I start my day off the way I need to, I'm usually pretty good to go. I can get to tomorrow and repeat the process. But I don't think in terms of like weeks or large blocks, like, Tianna is just going to get through today. Most of the time I don't even know what day it is, I just know, like, in this day, in this moment, this is what I need to do.

Amira: Right. And you're not only vulnerable here, but you're dealing with, you know, family, you're dealing with all these things that people perhaps didn't see or only saw headlines or clips of while you're competing. I think it's like this kind of window into this conversation about like, here's what athletes are carrying. Here's the burden. Here's the mental aspect. When we just see, all right, now you're running, right? Now you do this, this is your craft. And I think that this is so apt, right? As we're going into a year that has been topsy turvy for everybody. Like you said, you have stories to tell and you have been places and, you know, perhaps people may not have had that same journey, but I think that we are having a new framework of thinking about like what is required to kind of hold and carry as we are now turning into Olympic trials?

And so, you know, what is kind of on your mind as you are now approaching the 2020 Olympic trials being held in 2021, and you're thinking about having these stories out in the world, but also a place where athletes are perhaps able to be…We just saw Naomi Osaka saying, like, I'm not going to do press actually, for mental health reasons. Do you think that we're in a moment now that people might be able to be more forthcoming, kind of follow your lead about like, this is what I've been carrying – even if they're not ready to be as candid. And that, like, I'm not just here to labor for you, to entertain you, to just run, but actually I'm a whole actualized person.

Tianna: Yeah. I think athletes now are realizing they don't have to accept being viewed as a cross-section of a human. Like, just one little slice and that's it. That's the only thing. We don't have to accept that, and that is largely why I wrote this book in the way that I wrote it and I'm releasing it at the time that I release it, because I'm kind of like, you know, when I'm in my Beyoncé mood, I'm like, now you're going to see me. Like, you're going to know exactly what it took for me to get to this damn starting line, exactly what it took for me to stand on this runway. I want you to know all of it because that way you can share in what it means for me to win, you can understand what the heartbreak is when I lose. I just want you to see me, and like, we also really want to be supported, right?

This is where a lot of us get caught in the trap. We want to be supported, we want the sponsors, and then are shocked to find out the sponsor doesn't really like us speaking out about certain topics, right? So, true support can only truly happen when you are truly being yourself. And too many of us are censoring that or curating and presenting only a small slice of who we are. That's why these relationships and partnerships really bog down our mental health sometimes because we're like, oh, this is the box that I'm in, and if I push this way maybe there's some real consequences for me being myself. What kind of cognitive dissonance does that cause in an athlete that truly needs to be fully present and one in mind, body and breath when it's time to compete, having to deal with that?

And it's just like, I love to see Naomi saying, yeah, no, no, I'm not doing that. No, thank you. Because she's more than that. She's more than what's going to be presented at a press conference, and you don't have to subject yourself to those types of things. A lot of us feel like we do. Naomi is in a privileged position to be able to, you know, get that fine and be like, okay, write the cheque! Track and field athletes, we’re not getting fined, but like, we're not really all that excited about forking over even a thousand dollars because we don't have it. So, on the level where you are, don't accept only being seen as part of a person, part of a whole.

Amira: Right. What story in the memoir are you most proud of telling?

Tianna: The story that I'm most proud to tell is the one I tried not to tell at all. So, when I turned in the manuscript I knew that I was going to have to revise it and rewrite, just part of the process. And part of that was for me to read it out loud to my best friend. So, we read it out loud. I read out loud to him every day on the commute to and from the track, and it was easier to see where sentences didn't make sense or it wasn't clear. That's how I edited, revised the book the first time. So it got to the end after reading it out loud and he was like, no, no, where's that story about what happened right before you left? And I'm like, I just didn't really see the value! And he was like, nah, when we get home, you're going to write this story. And I really didn't want to do it. I think I sat for a while, closed door, lit some incense, and I wrote this story.

I came out of the room and I said, I wrote the story. I don't know how long it took me to write. I said, do you want to hear it? And I read it to him, and I managed to get through it without crying or anything, but then he started crying and then I completely fell apart. I think though it was the first time that I had actually cried about that particular experience. I mean, I'm just really proud of myself for pushing through that, and I'm almost positive there are people that need to not necessarily know that I went through it, but know that it's not a singular or unique experience and that you can get through something that traumatic and heartbreaking.

Amira: Yes. Thank you for sharing that process it. I think that…“Survive and advance,” again, yet again, right? It comes up. So, Olympic trials are about to happen. They're around the corner. Where are you at as you kind of look to this? I mean, we see you on Instagram lifting all types of weight with your amazing abs. So like, [laughs] I know that you are training. What is your mindset as we look to trials? 

Tianna: Yeah. So basically in this window where there was just like a 60 days to trial post and now it's like we're a couple of weeks away. At this point, the work is pretty much done. There's nothing really you can develop or figure out that's going to change, you know, too much. So for me, mental conditioning at this point is what I'm really working on because none of my physical preparation is going to matter if mentally I'm still unsure myself. So that's a lot of where my work is, just kind of focusing on the process and committing to the execution, but also believing in the possibility that it'll work out. I will say this: I'm not an optimistic person, like, I'm not an overly positive person. I'm not. And I don't know if I came into the world as that and life just kind of beat the crap out of me and I am no longer that way. But I basically approach almost everything like I am a realist that is open to miracles. That's the lane that I'm in. It's like, this is what the data is telling me, but also I believe that I can surprise myself. So that's kind of where I go into all of these meets, because I don't believe in overnight success. I don't believe in miracle performances. Like, you are not going to see anything at the trials that wasn't worked on and prepared for for weeks and weeks, maybe even years before that. So that's kind of where I'm at. It's just like, I'm ready to take my shot. I'm trying to work on just fortifying myself and knowing that I can do it in the moment. And I've done it before, so it's a little bit easier to get over that hump. But every single time is different. It's like the Hunger Games, each version of the Hunger Games is a different arena with different stakes. And that's kinda how I feel about it.

Amira: Absolutely. Now, I have to ask you, one of the things that has been so hard to like reconcile as we lead up to, to the Olympics, which has already, you know, we know it's been postponed because of COVID. We know we've been laboring under this kind of global pandemic. And now we're starting the Olympic rollouts, right? We have trials, gymnastics teams have trials around the same time. We're starting to get the commercials that are very persuasive. Then at the same time we're getting Japanese officials, people on the ground saying our hospitals are at capacity, the town that was supposed to hold track and field warm up training camps there has already said we can't do it. Like, we see the state of emergency for COVID in Japan has now been extended through the end of June, which is…We already know that people have been discouraged from going. And then most recently, one of the most dominant papers in Japan has joined the call for cancellation.

We talked about this on the show recently, like, A) we all know that the IOC is profit. We know that they are the decision makers and that there's a very, very slim chance that there's actually going to be cancellation. We also talked about Japanese athletes, particularly tennis athletes who have been speaking out, but that tennis, right, the Olympics is not their main circuit. They have other tournaments that have been able to maintain a bubble and stuff like that. And so I talked about, personally for myself, how much I couldn't stop thinking about you and Gwen and, you know, people who like this was a really kind of formative, like, it's four years to this moment, right? Especially if you're a track and field athlete. And then on the other side, you have this huge public health concern.

How have you, if you are at all, can you even stop and think about it? Is it one of those things that you're just like, because it's the IOC, is just going to keep on keeping on? Or do you wrestle with this kind of tension between the Olympics being held and knowing that there are kind of very real concerns about the destruction that it will bring?

Tianna: Yeah. I've always on different levels, especially for Rio, I started to, when I was more aware of the poverty, of just on the bus ride to the Olympic Village, I was like, how in the world did they win this contract to host the games when people are living like this? I was so conflicted to be contributing to such a drain on their economy while the IOC dangles this carrot, like, it'll be good for you, the tourist money, and you can then take these village residences and turn them into apartments and all this stuff. You know, these huge promises. I think London did a good job, but that's not the case for almost all of these host cities. So that has always been something that I've grappled with. But now this is like next level. Just…I'm not going to curse, but that's how strongly I feel about it.

I feel really, really bad for athletes who have dedicated their life to this quad, to this four years, with the hopes of proving themselves or making this team and getting these medals. I am in a fortunate position to have been there, done that. [laughs] And also, like, I've worked really hard to get to this point where track and field is the least of the things that I'm interested in right now, like, I'm really good at it, but if the Olympics were canceled, I'm not devastated, right? I'm not lost. But I had to do a lot of work over the last four years to even get to that point because my identity was tied to being an elite athlete that was successful for so long. And now it's not.

So I think I am looking at it differently for those reasons, and so I can look at how irresponsible it could be for us to invite the world to an island that is like less than 2% vaccinated, maybe 4? Very low, very low numbers. You know, cross our fingers and hope all the athletes stay in their bubble. I learned that they're not providing masks, but masks are mandatory. And so now what about the poor teams? Can they afford to increase the budget so that their team can have masks? All of this stuff for a sport!

Amira: And that alone made me so mad because the Olympics...Do you know how many condoms they provide in the Olympic Village?

Tianna: I don't know, personally, but I… [laughs] 

Amira: You don't know personally, but you know that they have literally…If you go go to the IOC museum in Lausanne, Switzerland, they literally have in one of their display boxes keys and condoms, because they are almost like wink, wink, joke, joke, this is how “productive” the athletes are in the village. I put productive in air quotes, for those who are listening. And so like the fact that we have seen y'all go out of their way over the course of the year, and y'all being the IOC, to provide Big Macs and condoms. And in the middle of a global pandemic you can't be bothered to provide masks, like at minimum? We haven't even touched on not only digging in on Rule 50, but like explicitly saying “Black lives matter” is not appropriate. And it's like, just when you think that they can't find a way to be–

Tianna: They find a way.

Amira: They find a way. They find a way. It's a mess. But you know, I think that that point that you made about like your identity is not tied to this, but you've had to work on that? It’s part and parcel of like, when we see you as a yogi and when we see you as a writer and when you are dropping this memoir. And so I think that that is a really kind of valuable perspective of what we have required of athletes to tie their identity to being an Olympian and what is required to find other pieces of yourself. 

Tianna: Yeah. And again, what I thought was like the most devastating thing in the world for my former sponsor, Nike, to not even bother to resign me or even offer me like a pennies on the dollar contract, that was devastating to me at this time. But then I was like, wait a minute, I'm free, because if I go to the Olympics and when I get $0. [laughs] I get $0 for that. If I stay home, I get the same amount of dollars for that. Like, there's so much freedom in how I can go into the trials and just the burden of expectation and punishment for not doing or doing is gone. And that I think was a final, you know, five figure catalyst to me, understanding that like, yeah, Tianna is a whole human and I very much, you know, I do practice yoga, but I also am a practicing Buddhist. So, compassion for all is really, really important. And the lack of compassion the IOC is displaying towards the people of Japan, towards athletes, towards Black Americans specifically and other people of color and just selectively choosing what rights to champion and promote...It’s just really disturbing for me.

Amira: Absolutely. Well, listen, I think that survive and advance, and I think that next step is like what you just articulated – what does it mean to not only survive and advance, but move outside of the box you've been placed in? Survive, advance, and then thrive. 

Tianna: Exactly. 

Amira: Well, you know, when I watch you move, I'm like, sis is thriving now, right? And so I'm really proud of you, of course, and the work that you're doing. I love to see it. I'm thrilled for everybody to get their hands on this memoir. So where can they find it? It is out today, June 8th, Gemini season has blessed this book. You're welcome.

Tianna: [laughs] Thank you!

Amira: Where can folks pick up a copy?

Tianna: Okay. It's available on amazon.com and other online retailers, just search Survive & Advance and my name, and it should come right up. And also there'll be like an inventory of signed copies available on my website, at tiannabee.com. And if you don't see any there, just keep checking back. They come in over time. 

Amira: I can bear witness that Tianna is sitting in front of two stacks of books that will be signed. And so anything else that we should keep an eye on? Obviously we'll be watching the trials and cheering for you. But I know that you are still doing a yoga...I’m like, sis is hard working! You know I operate with like most hours in the day available to me, but you are also like, just always grinding. So, is there anything else that we should keep our eye on or that you have coming up that you want to shout out or put on our radar? 

Tianna: Yeah. Anytime that I start to feel overwhelmed, like I can't do it all, I turn on Beyoncé’s Homecoming on Netflix.

Amira: Yes!

Tianna: I’m like, I can do this. She could do that, I can do this. [laughs] But you know, just keep an eye on tiannabee.com because…You talked about this earlier, what’s the next step after you've survived and advanced? And it is true that it’s to thrive, but there's a step in between, and that's learning how to grant yourself the permission to thrive. A lot of us are a little bit stuck in the deserving and the worthy to do the thriving part. And so I'm doing a lot in that space with Club 360 coming back and some coaching and mentorship programs that I'm going to roll out. So just keep an eye on tiannabee.com because I made it in order to help you make it too.

Amira: Absolutely. Well, we cannot wait to watch you continue to thrive out here. And I think that you are serving as an important reminder to anybody who sees survive and advance and feels those words, and letting us all be reminded that telling your story is powerful and having the space to do it. I'm so I'm so glad that it's out in the world. So, Tianna, thank you again for coming back to Burn It All Down and best wishes, best of luck, you know, still looking for those miracles, finding that joy, and thriving above all else. So, thanks again. 

Tianna: Thank you.